Wishing

The bone deep, cellular level aching in my body for friendship in this space in the world, friendship that is easeful and real cannot be understated. Friendship that sees you and holds you. That fills you up, even in the hard times. That doesn’t shut you out or expect you to always be a container for them. Friendship that isn’t full of unsaid hurts and secrets. Friendship that includes you instead of feeling like an afterthought.

Watching others in groups, laughing and doting on each other, it creates an ache in me that cannot be soothed.

Having people get mad at you for having no space to hold them in a moment because you have constantly overextended yourself in the past and are just trying to find your way back to yourself, living in a body that scares you. It’s crushing.

I wish for friendship here that includes me. That thinks of me when I’m not around or initiating contact.

I wish to be included. That’s the crux of it all.

https://youtu.be/UkOKCWDJ4iA

I cannot wait to find my voice and my vision again. It’s taking all of my effort to just physically exist, not doing anything but the basics, for most of this year. And I had to learn to be okay with that. To know that I am a beautiful human, even if I’m struggling to just do day to day life currently. My brain feels sluggish, like it’s hibernating, while protecting myself from the pain I’m constantly in. And the fear I am feeling during this health crisis I am in. Everything is dull and in a fog.

I just cannot wait to be and feel vibrant again. I just need to keep my nose above water, at the very least.

Aging

Today, I was once again told by someone that they thought I was in my teens. And in this society, that is viewed as a compliment. But to me, it is felt as a sting. A disregard to the years of growth I have lived through, the wisdom I have fought for. The lessons I have learned and unlearned.

When so many, through accident or choice, do not live as long or long past my age, I am glad, and feel blessed to still be here, fighting for a better world, making connections where I can, hopefully leaving people knowing how deeply I love them.

I am not ashamed to be given the privilege of growing older. Perhaps many feel a pang of dread of getting older because of the immense pressure to perform productivity, to “make something” of their life, to be remembered long term. Striving for something most will not achieve. I don’t know. But to me, aging is simply a gift. More time to find more love between other humans and with the world around me.

I want to be seen as someone who has lived and grown and continues to grow. Someone who has overcome caring so goddamn much about and wasting too much mental energy over what this physical body looks like and instead embraces it. Uses it and my ever expansive mind to reach out into the world and connect. My wrinkles are beautiful. Signs of listening and reacting and feeling everything so deeply. My soft belly from carrying life within me. My grey hairs, sparkling in the sun. These things only make me more beautiful and just like my brain, my outside is ever changing and I hope I continue to give every iteration the deep reverence it deserves.

I am carrying so much emotional labor for those around me and I do it gladly. I also would be dishonest if I didn’t admit how hard it has been. Feeling so much weight of the world, trying to make sure those around me are getting what they need, trying to come to terms with the feeling of not doing enough or being present enough to have been able to keep Natasha from taking her own life.

It’s a lot. And I do not begrudge any of my friends for needing space held for them. Again, I gladly do it, I love them dearly. I just need to find ways to be present with people that allow me to be seen as a human also needing to connect with others in ways that are purely for fun and for the pleasurable side of existence.

I’ve been nursing a deep state of burn out for a couple years now and I don’t know if I continue the way I am, if I will ever heal from that state.

For now, I’ll find a video game to immerse myself in to help hide away from the deep loneliness I am feeling. It’s not a perfect coping mechanism but it helps.

A love letter to myself - For knowing who I am - And loving my whole self - I am a survivor - And now I am a thriving, glorious, energetic ball of love - And take no fuckery.

I will not chalk my live up to merely existing - My life is for exploration - For art - For being art - Creating art - Making love - And deep connection.

I will no longer take half full friendships - And anything I cannot sink my entire self into.

A love letter to myself - For I am love.