---

I am carrying so much emotional labor for those around me and I do it gladly. I also would be dishonest if I didn’t admit how hard it has been. Feeling so much weight of the world, trying to make sure those around me are getting what they need, trying to come to terms with the feeling of not doing enough or being present enough to have been able to keep Natasha from taking her own life.

It’s a lot. And I do not begrudge any of my friends for needing space held for them. Again, I gladly do it, I love them dearly. I just need to find ways to be present with people that allow me to be seen as a human also needing to connect with others in ways that are purely for fun and for the pleasurable side of existence.

I’ve been nursing a deep state of burn out for a couple years now and I don’t know if I continue the way I am, if I will ever heal from that state.

For now, I’ll find a video game to immerse myself in to help hide away from the deep loneliness I am feeling. It’s not a perfect coping mechanism but it helps.