For the last few years but mainly the last one to two years, I've been living in a constant state of overwhelm. Whether that be good, bad, or in between, overwhelmed. I've been successful at hiding it at times and at other times, well, I've been one big walking mess of emotions from it, open and bleeding for the world to see. And I've pinpointed for a bit of time now where this has been mostly coming from. I've been living through years of perpetual yeses.

Yes to abusive friendships.

Yes to project after project.

Yes to holding others emotional shit for them.

Yes to not allowing it to flow through me freely.

Yes to taking on too much.

Yes to starting when I wasn't ready.

Yes to yelling.

Yes to pain.

Yes to anyone that asked anything of me.

I was so afraid to disappoint anyone that I didn't see that I was disappointing myself. I've started and veered from countless paths. And although I know this is normal, I'm completely fatigued from the journey that I'm afraid I'll get lost in the desert with not enough water and no way of being found, not even found by myself. I'm not sure I even recognize myself and the person I am today. Bruised and battered with fat lips and broken hips. All faults of my own. By allowing too much in.

Through the years of yeses, I have learned some valuable and hard lessons. Some more personal than others. But one of the greatest lessons has been how to ask for help, honest help, albeit pitifully, but that's a start.

So with the turning of the year, heading into darkness, I am doing something so soulfully dark, so richly haunting, and it's leaving me with a bit more air than I had in my lungs yesterday, I'm allowing myself a year of "No."

No to anything that doesn't fulfill me.

No to talking on others pain.

No to not growing.

No to not recognizing myself anymore.

No to feeling obligated.

No to feeling left behind.

No to a cluttered life.

No to yes all the god damned time.

It's time to start voicing my concerns. Letting my true voice be heard again. It's time to start the ball rolling on major changes in my life, in my family's life. And without saying yes all the time, leaving myself depleted, there will be more room to grow. More room to live and breathe.

Don't get me wrong. I'll be saying plenty of yeses but mostly to myself and my family. To growth. And to no more fear and crippling overwhelm. I have one traveling soul and I'd like to leave it a bit more evolved and at peace by the time I'm done living in this body for the next time around.

What do you need to say "no" to that you've continually being saying "yes" to?

Katelyn