I’ve spent so much of my life in a state of constant pain, of assessing the limitations of it, the needs of it, caring for it as it’s own entire entity, living within the confines of my skin. Feeling it screaming, pushing at the tissues, trying to take over my entire being.

I’ve spent so much energy, and money, trying to appease it, handing up offerings as if to make a deal with a demon for just a moments peace.

And two decades later, I have found that peace by leaning into the unknown and trying something I was terrified to try.

For the first time ever, I finally can enjoy being touched for the sake of being touched. Not out of necessity or as a way of pleading for some relief. And as a person who’s spirit craves physical touch, I cannot even adequately put into words how deeply nourishing it is to let go fully into physical touch, as it reaches into the depths of my core, finally getting to release the muck my spirit has held onto for a lifetime, for many lifetimes.

I’ve spent so much time getting massages for pain management, getting acupuncture and physical work for a fleeting moment of mitigation that I have never known what it truly is like to wholly enjoy the thing I desperately need.

Getting something for sustenance instead of for necessity has been liberating.