My voice is something I’ve spent a lifetime battling with. There’s been one person in my life that has heard my whole voice and never asked for it to be quieter, for the thoughts stumbling from my mouth to be different. Nearly every person in my life has asked me to be different, whether it be spoken or unspoken, at some point. There’s a lot of awareness coming about around fully communicating your needs with those around you, which is excellent, but the thing is, for those of us who have lived a life of directness, it is often misconstrued as sarcasm or “rudeness.”

Direct communication has actually been a rather isolating experience. I have spoken up and have been shut out. I have asked for friendship and been met with turned backs and silence. I have asked for community and been directed to talk to someone else. I have spoken of my ills and pains and have been told there is "nothing wrong.” I’ve asked for help or companionship when needed, to be met with “we’re all struggling.”

I’m not sure the problem can be chalked up to just not directly communicating, a lot of the problem is not actually listening. Not being taught what true community looks like. And trying to forge a community in a world that doesn’t accept the ways in which you show up in it, you are forced into rugged individualism.

How does one find worth in a vacuum? When you have to constantly overextend and over do and live in a perpetual state of burn out just for some one sided companionship, how does one find fulfillment in that? How does one become so invisible while being so vocal?

I have a voice but it’s quieting.