I don’t remember a time in my life I wasn’t in pain. I just assume there was a time. In high school, during a marching band performance, I got smacked directly across my head with a flagpole from one of the colorguard members. Luckily for me it was during an actual performance and not a practice because the silly box hats you wear in marching band protected my skull from getting split open. Unfortunately though, it did not stop the impact from compressing my spine in my neck. The band director, being stereotypically a band director, didn’t care one bit about the injury so nothing got reported. My father had me go to a chiropractor and unfortunately again for me, that just seemed to make matters worse.

20 years later, some more defunct chiropractic work tried over the years, and my body is still affected by that moment in time and only seems to be compounded by various things since or has caused various things to happen since? Who knows at this point. All I know is I haven’t known a day of no pain since. Doctors have never taken my concerns seriously and I’ve tried all the “fixes” society likes to tell you is the answer to your chronic pain. Trying different diets, cutting out certain foods, exercising regularly, supplements, acupuncture, cupping, etc. And while some help minimize the pain intermittently, they never bring a great relief.

It’s tiring (on top of the already exhausting effects of chronic pain) to pretend I’m not in constant pain and while I shouldn’t have to, it’s something I’m still working through being okay with, with moving through a world in a disabled body when the world sees greater value in those who are able-bodied. I’ve silently worked through searing pain after a small hike up a hill, or feeling like my ligaments are tearing apart because I slightly stepped wrong. Choking down panic of feeling alone in a failing body while people move effortlessly around me.

And I wish I could be honest with those around me and not terrified of the judgment they may have or worry they will tell me all the ways I could “fix it.” And it’s fucking bullshit that I have an internalized fear that someday Joey will get tired of the amount of things I cannot do and the far lower amount of day to day energy I have than him. I am working on abandoning that fear.

I want to be valued in a community, whether my body can function at the level society expects it to or not. Some days all I can do is sit in the pain.

Today is one of those days.