There was a reason I got off of Facebook and Instagram. Well, there were multiple but one of the biggest reasons was feeling like I was a sideshow. I would share my heart and try to open up for conversations and connection, to be met largely with silence. The moments that really affected me was the multiple times locals would see me in person, ask me what was going on in my life and when I would answer, they would say something along the lines of, “Yeah, I saw you mention that on Facebook.” It felt, violating.

I was in an abusive friendship where I watched this woman cyber stalk people and relentlessly mock them from the comfort of her bed. And it just doesn’t sit well, that people go on social media just to “creep” but not actually offer companionship.

And well, I’m feeling that now with my blog. I write it to get my thoughts out and to try to connect to this world. There’s a couple people who I trust my heart with and when they read my blog, they engage with me, usually via text, to talk about what I’m posting here.

So why am I feeling this with my blog? Well I’ve noticed that for the past three(ish) months that someone local has been checking my blog every. single. day. Generally numerous times throughout the day, but hasn’t once engaged on a post. Hasn’t once mentioned anything to me through any other form of communication. And while I have my suspicions of who it is, there’s no way for me to ever actually find out. And I’m writing about it because it’s gotten to the point where I just feel like I’m amusement for someone instead of a person they truly care for because why? Why do people creep on someone’s posts that are generally very personal, if you aren’t actually taking the time to be their friend? Aren’t reaching out to a person to connect. Aren’t truly attempting to befriend them by getting to know their heart.

I don’t understand and it feels very intrusive.

I’ve tried to connect, to make friends out here, only to be ignored, ghosted, treated like I’m an annoyance by nearly every single person. And I asked for connection a multitude of times, but it was 99% of the time an inconvenience, and never reciprocated. I’ve been openly mocked by people who have kept a smile on their face the whole time.

So I wonder again, why? Those that are truly invested in my friendship and truly care for my heart, they reach out. They take the time to understand my triggers, my past, the way I move through the world, and my beauty. They don’t creep. They move intentionally in my life. They don’t make me question if they are just mocking me to their “true friends.”

I could be entirely wrong about who I think it is. Hell, it could be said ex friend who I know has a history of cyber stalking. But I don’t think it is.

And I don’t want to be cyber stalked, which is exactly what you are doing.

Do better. Learn how to really form relationships with people. For fucks sake, I’m tired.