Holding myself.
Getting out of the "logical" brain is hard for me. Although lately, I've been floating in the aether so much and have been forgetting to come back down into the earthly realm and ground myself. I've been criticizing myself very harshly and taking things to heart that I should just be letting go. I've been fighting demons from my past and trampling myself down for my past misgivings.
When awareness happens, it doesn't mean life will be all sunshine and rainbows. With me, I had been floating on cloud nine and suddenly and fiercely the shadow has come and memories have been flooding me. Memories I would rather forget but I also know forgetting teaches me nothing. I learn nothing by forgetting. I must remember. For remembering and sitting with these memories of my past misgivings is how I will overcome and with that it brings growth. These last three months or so have been many bandaid-ripping-off moments that as much as they hurt, I am working on accepting the pain. I have learned that with pain, especially pain you have inflicted on yourself, you can either wallow in it or you can embrace it as an old friend. Don't get me wrong. I've been wallowing this week but I am giving myself the space to do so. I'm getting muddy and filthy. I am sitting in the muck right now because feeling this helps me to feel what I have put out into the world at one point in my life. What I have put on others, unknowingly at the time. And feeling that helps me to learn how to not do that, ever again.
After a conversation with a friend about my aversion to baths, going in the oceans, I was told by two separate teachers, two very in tune wild women, two healers, to make peace with the waters. To draw up a bath and fill it with salt and any other items I find fitting and to submit to the healing the waters had to offer. To not think about it logically, why I have this aversion, but to simply feel it. I have been working magick for many women around me during this time, but why do I not work magick for myself? Why do I not hold space for myself? This is changing. My healing will involve me taking a bath every night, even if that means I must do so with kids splashing with me. My healing will involve me getting outside everyday to work in nature, with nature.
It's a funny thing, to be simultaneously working on grounding myself everyday and to work within the water to heal our relationship. And thank you, for all those who have holding me in this space, allowing me the time to whine and grieve over my past actions and choices. Also, thank you to Laura for sending me to this beautiful article which has helped me to understand what I am working through.
Peace and Love,
Katelyn
