I was really scared on Wednesday. My body was doing and feeling ways it had never felt before. I felt intense chest pain between my breasts and it radiated below them. When I started trying to make lunch for my son and I, it got so much worse and I started having trouble breathing. I told Joey and he is normally the calm one that is reassuring that I am okay. He was instantly concerned and dropped what he was doing and immediately came home from work to rush to me the hospital. I was terrified I was going to die on the way to the hospital and leave Joey with a heartbreakingly heavy dose of trauma. And during that time of not knowing what was happening to my body I didn’t feel one single regret. I didn’t look back on my choices and think I needed to make changes to my life. I didn’t look around and think I needed to let those who have hurt me back in. I am not afraid of death. I don’t know what happens after this but I don’t need to. But even not being afraid of death, which was an odd revelation to have when I didn’t know if I was in it considering the amount of anxiety I have lived with most my life, I still DEEPLY do not want to die. I want to be here and spend many many many more decades, a century even, kissing Joey and holding his hand. I want so many more moments of laughing with my kids and watching them grow more and more into their amazing selves. I want to continue to try to connect with those around me, in spite of the immense pain it has also brought. I want to snuggle kitties forever.
Death is scary to me, not because of the unknown, but because I know just how immense the pain that the death of your loved ones causes to those left. I wish I didn’t know that hurt so well. And they didn’t find anything physically wrong with my heart, they even said my EKG was beautiful even, but my heart knows heartbreak and heartache more than it can bear some days.
So that, that would be the reason I am afraid of death.
Please, please let the people around you know if you care. I know people reaching out and making an effort would do wonders for my weary soul.