I’ve lived a relatively sheltered life when it comes to my interactions with cis-het men. While I know that the majority of them are walking conglomerations of red flags and unchecked toxicity, it’s still so shocking whenever I hear the shit that comes out of their mouths.

You see, very early on in life, I fell in love with a boy. He never did any posturing and didn’t have to “announce” to the world just how “good of a man” he was. I watched as he held a deep reverence for woman. This, at the time, 14 year old me saw this boy riding his bike, with a sticker on his helmet that read, “Girls kick ass!” And in the early 2000s, when we were being taught that women were mere playthings and the only importance they held was their physicality for cis-het men to ogle, seeing that sticker felt like a sigh of relief.

That beautiful boy with a deep respect for women grew into a gorgeous man who’s unwavering care and respect for women has just remained constant. And I’ve spent the last 20+ years in a various state of relationship with him and him viewing me as I am a goddess incarnate. Meeting him while going through the toughest time of my life and him just gently taking my hand and walking that journey with me.

So, I am really näive when it comes to navigating the world of the typical cis-het man. And as much and it’s not shocking when I hear misogynistic rhetoric and the emotionally constipated views of those men outside of my little bubble, it still somehow is, because it’s so easy and natural for Joey to be a genuinely amazing example of how cis-het men should be that I don’t understand why so many struggle to be better humans. He also is always baffled by the shit cis-het men feel comfortable saying to him and thoroughly disgusted.

The irony of a cis-het man wanting to have sex with women but are absolutely disgusted by being associated with any perceived “feminine” traits or habits is, I just, it’s absolutely inconceivable. How does someone justify attraction to someone if it’s based purely in a physical realm?

Women are fucking gorgeous. But if your attraction to them stops at the whims of a fluctuating physical appearance, if you don’t always find them to be the prettiest demon you’ve ever seen because of a finicky thing like the physical, then do you actually truly love women? If you make decisions for your life based on not wanting to be seen as “feminine” in any way, do you actually respect women? Or do you just want a place to stick your dick?

It’s interesting to me, how many cis-het men will put women down and treat them less than when they are vulnerable with them. Acting as if it’s weak to share emotions, to feel and work through them, but will shut down and ghost you when the communication gets “too real,” as if that isn’t some bitch baby behavior. I cannot imagine being an adult that can’t have raw and honest conversations, who is still just “looking for a good time” to avoid those moments and conversations, treating those that don’t avoid them as “emotionally unstable.”

Those that have to announce how good of a person they are and that they respect people are rarely the ones that actually do. Words are nice but entirely meaningless when your actions go squarely against what you are saying.